


A Beautiful Mistake

by hellsinki



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: M/M, allenbert - Freeform, asexual julian, autistic julian, barry's got it bad for jules, dissociative julian, julian has a big badass tattoo, mention of dubcon, these two will be the death of me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9775178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellsinki/pseuds/hellsinki
Summary: Julian Albert is autistic, asexual, dissociative and has a badass tattoo on his back. Of course Barry is going to fall in love with him. Written for a tumblr prompt.





	

There is a highly-intelligent rogue metahuman at large in Central City and it appears that they need some extra help to bring him down. From one British metahuman specialist in particular whose sharp, mathematical mind and a knack for solving puzzles have helped the team with many criminal cases in the short span of time since his joining.

“Guys, he’s not picking up his phone,” Cisco shrugs helplessly and throws his cell phone away after his eighth failed attempt at reaching Julian.

Caitlin takes her own phone off the desk to dial Julian’s number as if she would have more luck than Cisco. Or maybe Julian would be more inclined to answer Caitlin’s call given the little time they spent talking about their fear of losing control and the finest details of performing autopsy over the drinks they shared last week at Central’s south-side dive bar. The call goes into its 15th ring before Caitlin hangs up and shakes her head at the team.

“You know Bond, he’s probably having one of those “autistic withdrawal” of his where he retreats into his own world and doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone,” HR air quotes and then goes to grab his to-go mug off the desk to take a large sip at his coffee.

Julian admitted to the team that he was autistic a few days ago after having been called a ‘jerk’ by Caitlin a number of times and realizing that he didn’t want the team to think that he behaved the way he did because he was a ‘jerk’ and didn’t want to play nice. Normally, he didn’t care what others thought of his behaviour, but with this group of people he realized that he wanted to at least make some effort to be accepted for what he was. His admission didn’t particularly make communicating with him any easier, but it did manage to make both Caitlin and Barry feel guilty for having called him a ‘jerk’ and a ‘dick’, and a number of other choice words when Barry had been feeling especially vicious and short of patience for Julian’s blunt, smartass remarks.

“I’m getting kinda worried about him,” Barry says at the risk of exposing his recently developed infatuation with the charming asshole with the clear blue eyes and the infuriating lopsided grin. “I’m gonna go check on him.”

He doesn’t even wait for any comment, suggestion or warning from the team. In less than a second he is standing at the front door of a skyscraper where Julian lives, with his finger pressing the doorbell to his flat over and over again. Julian is not answering the door, which makes Barry even more concerned. Julian had told him earlier that he would be spending his Saturday night at home working on a piece of music he was planning to compose for Caitlin’s birthday gift. This had made Barry feel an intense, unwelcome pang of jealousy even though he was perfectly sure that Julian harbored no romantic feelings for Caitlin.

 

_“I know this may sound weird, but, uh...do you like Caitlin?” Barry asked Julian one late night at the CCPD as the two were packing up their things to go home after having just discovered the identity of a genius, non-metahuman killer that had been evading the police for weeks._

_Julian hefted his bag over his shoulder and raised one of his brows in what Barry had come to know as amusement. “Like her, as in romantically and sexually attracted to her?”_

_“Yeah.” Barry was now feeling less sure about wanting to know the answer._

_Julian however gave a little laugh that made some warm, fuzzy sensation flutter in Barry’s chest, and shook his head. “No, my relationship with her is purely professional and perfectly platonic.”_

_Barry was on the verge of breathing a sigh of relief when Julian placed a hand on his shoulder and caused the breath to be caught in his throat. “Why? Are you interested?”_

_Barry’s eyes widened comically at the question and the small contact that Julian himself had initiated (he was usually averse to physical contact, said he was hypersensitive to touch). Was Julian propositioning him?_

_“She’s a brilliant woman and I think you two would make a beautiful couple, mate,” he says with a little smile of encouragement, making Barry cough and sputter in surprise._

 

So, Julian isn’t interested in Caitlin. That is a comfort. But he is also totally okay with giving his blessing to Barry and Caitlin as a couple, which is not good at all. If he was interested in Barry, even for a tiny little bit, he would not be so readily accepting of seeing Barry with someone else. But these thoughts are for another time and place. Right now, Julian is not answering the door and Barry has managed to work himself into a frenzy of worry. With no regard for privacy, as he never truly has, Barry phases through the door and speeds all the way up to the 17th floor and goes right through Julian’s front door. He is about to call out his name when his breath is knocked out of his lungs at the sight that greets his eyes: Julian standing in the middle of his living room in nothing but a pair of tight black jeans hugging his pert ass and slender legs, blond hair darkened and dripping water on bare, broad shoulders and into the gentle curve of his back. But Barry is avoiding the bigger picture as his mind is incapable of fully processing it.

Julian has a tattoo.

Julian Albert Desmond, the runaway heir to an old moneyed British family, has a tattoo.

A big, badass tattoo covering a large expanse of his back, black-inked intricate patterns adorning the pale, smooth canvas of his skin all the way down into the small of his back, coming to an end just right above the seductive jut of his ass.

Barry lets out an involuntary gasp which causes Julian to turn on the heels of his bare feet in alarm, hand grabbing the gun off the table and aiming it right at Barry’s head far quicker than someone without super speed had any right to do. They stare at each other for a few seconds, both startled and at a loss for what to do. Ultimately, it is Julian who recovers first, lowers his gun and puts it back on the table behind him.

“Allen? What the hell are you doing here?” He snaps in anger as he crosses his arms across his chest, obviously uncomfortable in his state of half nudity.

Barry has a hard time to get his jaw to move. “Uh...you weren’t answering your phone and the door.” He offers lamely, heart still beating a frantic rhythm inside his chest. He can’t get the picture of Julian’s tattoo out of his head. He needs to see it again.

“So you just decided to barge in like some common thief?” Julian gets particularly mean with his jibes when he is uncomfortable and feeling vulnerable and exposed. It is his way of warding off people so they won’t notice his ‘weakness’; his verbal weapon that he brandishes at anyone unfortunate enough to get caught in his web of anxieties. Luckily, Barry has learned how to deal with Julian in such a state. “I was worried.” By being completely honest with him.

“I was in the shower.” There is a slight change to his tone that Barry notices only because he is looking for it. He isn’t feeling alarmed or exposed anymore. Although he still looks annoyed for having been caught off-guard without a shirt on. Julian has always been extremely private about his body and Barry now knows why.

“Yeah, I can see that now.” The wet hair plastered on his forehead, dark lashes moist and slightly curled upward, blue eyes looking brighter than ever, the rosy blush on his pale cheeks, the tight, dusky nipples, taut stomach and the trail of dark pubic hair under his naval. It is the first time Barry is seeing Julian without a shirt on and he is still feeling unbalanced on his feet, as if he has banged his head against the wall and is suffering through a bad case of concussion and dizziness. Also, that _tattoo_.

“Is there anything you wanted to talk to me about?” His impatient tone brings Barry out of his untimely fantasy.

“What? Oh, yeah, we needed your help back at STAR Labs,” he rubs the back of his neck as he tries to cast his eyes somewhere other than Julian’s bare chest. “There’s a new smartass rogue in town who likes to incorporate riddles into his criminal plots, nothing too dangerous as of yet but annoying as hell. We got stumped by his next riddle, thought we could use your help with solving it.”

Julian gives a short nod, “Alright. Let me go get dressed then. I’ll be right back in 10 minutes.”

He turns on his heels to walk toward the bedroom in quick strides, giving Barry another fleeting chance to eye the tattoo on his back. “Wait. Can I see your tattoo?” He calls out before Julian disappears behind the door down a long, narrow hallway.

Julian stops in the doorframe and makes a half-turn, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. “Why?”

“I find it…,” he gives a pause to find the right word capable of expressing the extent of the impact that tattoo has had on him. “enthralling.”

Julian snorts. “Enthralling?,” the way he pronounces that word in his distinctive, British-accented drawl makes Barry realize why the word means what it does. “I think the word you're looking for is appalling.”

“What?” Barry is startled by the obvious disgust on Julian’s face, the brows that are furrowed over pained, shimmering blue eyes, lips pulled back in a sneer. “You don't like your own tattoo?”

Julian grits his teeth in what looks like an inner struggle to whether share his secret with Barry or not. Finally, he begins walking back to Barry who is still standing in the middle of the tastefully furnished living room with a dumbstruck expression on his face.

Once he is standing a few inches apart from Barry, clear eyes with curled lashes so close he can see his own corneal reflection in them, he turns around without saying a word, revealing the tattoo in all its breathtaking glory to Barry.

Enthralling is indeed a highly appropriate word to describe that tattoo. It is an intricate design of a crucified man with his head hanging down and arms extended wide at either side to cover the whole expanse of Julian’s broad shoulder blades. The man’s torso and the legs are enveloped in some kind of cocoon, a long chain with what looks like to resemble feathers hanging from it connecting the wrists together. Right in the middle of the man’s abdomen there is the face of a clock with the short hour and long minute hands pointing in different directions. Barry is not particularly a fan of tattoos, but this is the most beautiful design he has ever seen on somebody’s skin. He is short of breath just by looking at it. He feels a blinding urge to reach out and touch, which he does, only to have Julian tense noticeably under the feather-light pressure of his fingers over the black ink.

“Why are you ashamed of it?” Barry wonders in a soft voice, fingers still tracing the design despite Julian’s obvious discomfort.

Julian balls his hands into fists, shoulders raised in a rigid posture as if ready to bolt the moment Barry so much as breathes wrongly on his skin. “Because it’s not mine,” he says through clenched teeth, words almost impossible to discern.

“What do you mean?” He can’t stop touching Julian’s warm, smooth skin, and Julian hasn’t relaxed under the intrusive touch yet. Barry knows Julian doesn’t like being touched, especially not directly on skin, but he can’t help himself. He will stop once Julian asks him to, he tells himself, thinking the blond CSI must have a reason for allowing the touch to continue despite his discomfort.

Julian heaves a deep sigh, as if opening up to Barry or anyone at all is the most difficult thing to do in the world for him. “Three days after my graduation from military training, I woke up in a stranger's bed with this tattoo on my back. Turned out the guy I slept with was the tattoo artist that drew this on me. He said I had come to him with the design perfectly sketched on a paper, told him I wanted it done as soon as possible. It took him three sessions to complete the tattoo. By the time it was done, he asked if I’d like to go back to his place. I said yes.”

Barry waits for a few seconds for Julian to continue, but he doesn’t say anything more. Instead, he turns around, locking eyes with Barry. He looks tensed, agitated and uneasy and Barry is almost tempted to let him go. But the prickling sensation at the back of his mind tells him that this is way too important to ignore. Julian obviously doesn’t want to talk about it but Barry knows he needs to.  

“I...I don’t understand. How come the tattoo is not yours?”

Not surprisingly, Julian’s frown deepens at Barry’s persistence and he seems ready to snap at him and shut him out. But for some reason, he does neither.

“Because I have no recollection of those past three days,” he begins in a measured voice, eyes focused at the wall behind Barry instead of his face. “I don’t remember ever leaving the graduation ceremony, going to the tattoo parlour for three consecutive days, asking for my skin to be marred by that nasty design, and agreeing to sleep with the guy afterwards.”

Julian shifts his weight restlessly from one foot to the other, while Barry engages in a silent battle with an urge to reach out and hold Julian in his arms.

“I don’t remember the pain, the thoughts that I’d had during those three days, the things I’d said and done, nothing,” he bites down on his lower lip, a nervous habit. “And I don’t sleep with random strangers. I don’t feel any sexual attraction to anyone at all,” He chances a look at Barry from under his lashes, as if daring him to judge him.

 _He’s asexual_ , the thought bounces off Barry’s skull with a muffled bang. The realization should have put a screeching stop to the godawful yearning in his heart for the now untouchable man before him, but he doesn’t feel any different. Perhaps a little daunted, somehow more certain of rejection, maybe a little scared too, but the pining is as strong as ever, if not more so.

Barry decides to address this issue later. He has more pressing matters to attend to right now; namely, Julian’s mysterious tattoo and his memory gaps.

“Had you been intoxicated, then?” Somehow he can’t picture Julian as being a reckless drunk, although he might have decided to overindulge in alcohol just to ease the pain of having a needle poking at a million sensitive spots on his back for hours.

Julian shakes his head, “No. I ran a blood test on myself as soon as I got home and found not one single drop of alcohol or any other drugs in my body.”

“Then wha-...oh.” Barry suddenly realizes what this is all about. Julian’s disgust for the otherwise beautiful tattoo, his reluctance to talk about it, how he has been hiding it beneath his shirt for years, feeling ashamed, angry and used. This was all about...

“Yeah. Alchemy.” There is a bite in his tone as he spits out ‘Alchemy’ as if it is a poisonous word in his mouth, a cancerous thought in his head. For a brief moment, he looks tired and vulnerable, like he wants nothing but to just drop down to the floor and curl into himself until sleep claims him, but with the next blink, his eyes look sharp again, cutting edges of icy blue boring into Barry’s soul.

“But why would Savitar want you to get this tattoo?”

Julian rubs his forehead as if this whole conversation is giving him a headache. “I don't think it was Savitar.”

Barry opens his mouth to voice his confusion but Julian beats him to it, “I know we came to the conclusion that there never was any Alchemy but...I think there is still two of us in here,” he taps one finger against his temple, sounding far too nonchalant for the gravity of what he has just admitted to.

“You feel him? Alchemy? He talks to you?” Barry can’t keep the fear out of his voice.

But Julian doesn’t look particularly fazed about having to share his mind with another consciousness. “No, but he doesn’t need to. He has told me all he needed to through this tattoo.”

“How so?”

“Look again,” Julian turns around. No matter how many times Barry sets eyes on that tattoo, it still manages to steal his breath. “This is obviously a coded message. Look at the hands of the clock. It's a date. The feathers match the number of the husks. The cocoon is a rather blatant hint. See the small Latin words on the man’s lowered head?”

Barry leans his head closer to Julian’s back and squints his eyes to read the words he had previously missed being there. “Serva me, servabo te,” Barry reads aloud. “Save me and I will save you.”

“This tattoo is a prophecy. An omen. I haven't figured out what exactly it is but I can venture a guess.”

“What does it mean?” Barry asks almost breathlessly, eyes drinking in every little detail of the tattoo. _Save me and I will save you_. Somehow the quote has an unsettling, eerie ring to it, although Barry is not sure how the concept of salvation could have any threatening undertone. What is it that Julian will need saving from?

Julian hangs his head as he clenches his hands, nails digging into the softness of his palms. “That Savitar will come back for me.”

Barry feels Julian’s fear like a buzz under his own skin. It is wrapped up to look like resignation, a quiet acceptance of a fate that can’t be changed, but Barry has had the exact taste under his tongue far too many times. He knows Julian’s loneliness, his stubbornness to keep his feelings behind thick walls of a cold, uncaring facade, his insecurities parading around as cutting retorts and sarcastic remarks. He knows how Julian must be feeling right now. He had been once stuck in that debilitating state of mind, and he couldn’t have come out of it if it weren’t for the help from his friends.

He would be that friend for Julian now.

Barry walks around Julian to stand before him. He places his hands gently on his shoulders and gives them a soft squeeze. Julian stares up at him with uncertain eyes. “I’m here for you. We all are. We’ll help you through this, Julian. You're not alone in this.”

“And your tattoo? It’s beautiful, Jul. You are beautiful.”

Julian gives him one of those lopsided smiles that Barry has come to cherish so much, eyes gaining much of their luminosity back. Barry takes in a breath and holds it there, as he feels his heart tumble down on the carpeted floor next to Julian’s bare feet. He could crush it if he chose to and Barry would be unable to stop him. He could reject his love and Barry would be unable to stop loving him. He could say no and well, Barry would be unable to take no for an answer.

“Can I kiss you?” He asks with all the courage he can muster as he braces himself for rejection.

“Are you really sure you want to get involved with someone like me?”

“I haven’t been more sure of anything else in my life,” Barry says with conviction.

Julian closes his eyes and leans forward, tilting his head slightly upward to compensate for the height difference, and puts his lips gingerly on Barry’s mouth, as if this is his first kiss and he doesn’t know what to expect from the soft contact. Barry allows the kiss to remain chaste and gentle, despite the burning urge in his heart to claim Julian’s lips in an aggressive, bruising kiss. Baby steps, he reminds himself. He can be patient for Julian. He can be everything Julian needs him to be, and he is ready for this.

“I’m going to be the biggest mistake you've ever made, Barry Allen.” Julian opens his blue eyes, looking at Barry with something akin to regret for what has yet to be lost.

“Some mistakes are worth making,” Barry breathes the words on Julian’s parted lips as he leans his forehead against the other man’s. And as Julian reaches his hand to interlock their fingers together, Barry knows the only thing he would never be tempted to go back in time to fix is this one beautiful mistake.

* * *

 

The tattoo was inspired by this [pic](http://www.backtattoopictures.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Tremendous-Black-and-Grey-Back-Horror-Tattoo-BR1096.jpg). 

 


End file.
